Stop Telling Yourself Happiness Lies

Often, we are given subtle or not so subtle messages through motivational quotes and Instagram posts that are simply not true. When we don’t question them and accept them as true, they become part of our belief system. This can be so harmful.

In the course of my 20 year career as a psychologist, particularly in my work related to helping people foster joy and happiness, it’s clear to me that many people have beliefs about happiness that actually hinder growth.

I want to address these “lies”, in case they’re hindering you, too – using the research in happiness and positive psychology. I won’t just talk about the problem. I’ll suggest what you can do to address it. If any of these resonate with you, don’t just think about it. Take action and do something.

1. Lie – Griping or venting about your problem will make you feel better.

Talking about gripes or venting actually perpetuates the undesirable feeling. When you’re simply venting, you’re focusing on and perpetuating the problem and the negativity that comes along with it. Another danger is when this is done on a regular basis with a particular person. Then your bond with that person forms over negativity. You then become much more likely to vent with this person in the future, continuing to bond over negativity.

Suggestion: You are more likely to feel better after talking about a problem if you use the venting to help process and make sense of your feelings, express those feelings, see the issue from a different angle, and/or come up with a plan of action. The goal in venting is to broaden your perspective on an issue. So next time you vent, make it purposeful. Have the goal of gaining clarity on your feelings, how you can learn and grow from a situation, and/or what you plan to do to address it. This is what therapy can do for you. Or a trusted friend who supports more than venting. Be careful who you talk to about your problems. Some well-meaning people may unwittingly be keeping you stuck in the negativity.

2. Lie – Having more of something good leads to happiness.

Often when you have something that makes you feel good, you think that having more of it will make you feel even happier. We need to get better at being happy with what we have. Seeking more leads to more dopamine being released, and this wears out the pleasure center in the brain to the point that it will never feel like enough.

Suggestion: Focus on what you have. Really connect with the appreciation for what is bringing you joy, exactly as it is.

3. Lie – Money brings more happiness than relationships.

Not being able to pay bills is associated with stress and decreased happiness. However, once that is achieved, money no longer plays a role in increased happiness. Sometimes people sacrifice time spent fostering relationships, thinking that work and making more money will lead to happiness.

Suggestion: Cultivate your relationships. Call a friend and set up a time to enjoy a cup of coffee or go for a walk. Our relationships are the #1 factor related to happiness. Any time spent cultivating your relationships and being with those you care about is time well spent.

4. Lie – I would be happy if only I could eliminate my anxiety.

Eliminating anxiety completely is not only unrealistic, but it is also not healthy. We need some level of anxiety. Healthy anxiety teaches us about danger. Healthy anxiety helps with motivation and goal achievement. Healthy anxiety inspires growth and change.

Suggestion: Instead of having a goal of eliminating anxiety, you may feel better with a goal of decreasing the frequency and intensity of anxiety. You can do that through a variety of cognitive, behavioral, and alternative methods. (Check out my book FEELING Good for some ideas). There is no cookie cutter way to manage anxiety. Find what works for you, and seek professional help from a licensed mental health professional if you’d like support/education/guidance.

5. Lie that introverts tell themselves – “I’ll be happier staying in my cozy home and sticking to myself than accepting that invitation.”

The number one factor related to happiness is our relationships. This is true for introverts as well. If you’re an introvert, you’re likely to tell yourself that you’ll be happier if you stay in your cozy, comfortable home, rather than accepting that invitation to a party. You’re likely to tell yourself that you’ll be happier if you don’t talk to strangers while you’re out and about. However, research demonstrates that even introverts report greater happiness when they push themselves out of their comfort zone and connect with other human beings, whether that be a good friend at a party, or a stranger on the subway.

Suggestion: Accept that invitation to go out. Reach out to someone you’d like to get to know better. Engage in conversation with others around you. You don’t have to do this every time the opportunity presents itself. However, you are more likely to experience more happiness when you do some of the time, even when your brain tells you that you won’t!

6. Lie – Small talk is stupid and meaningless and has nothing to do with happiness.

There is no such thing as “small talk.” You may not talk to strangers because you think that talking about the weather or traffic is insignificant. Or you may think that the other person does not want to be talked to. Research demonstrates that people report greater happiness when they do connect with strangers. Talking with strangers on line at the grocery store or in the doctor’s waiting room, even if it is “small talk,” makes us feel more connected to our communities and to the world. It helps us feel seen. So it’s really not “small” at all. It all matters. In addition, “small talk” can often lead to deeper conversation. It has to start somewhere!

Suggestion: Next time you’re out in public, challenge yourself to strike up conversation with a complete stranger. Compliment a stranger’s shirt. Speak to the person online behind you on the checkout lane at the grocery store. Smile, make eye contact, and use the name of the checkout clerk when saying hello and exchanging pleasantries. Connect with people. It all matters.

7. There are “hacks” or shortcuts to happiness.

While there is important and interesting information about brain functioning and happiness, calling it a “hack” gives the false impression that it’s a quick fix, or that you’re “beating the system.” On the contrary, fostering emotional well-being is a long game that involves daily practices. The good news is that most of the daily practices feel good while you’re doing them!

Suggestion: Find daily practices that foster joy that work for you, and keep doing them! Every day. Need some ideas? Not sure what works for you? You’ll find 35 different research-backed ways in my book, FEELING Good.

8. Lie – I’ll be happy when….I get that promotion, I lose weight, I earn more money, when I find true love, fill in the blank.

While there’s value in anticipation of something wonderful happening, that does not have to be at the expense of living your best life now. Happy people understand the importance of creating joy in the journey, of celebrating wins, big and small, along the way. When you attach the expectation of happiness to something you’ll have, be, or achieve in the future, this steals your joy from living fully today. In addition, that future situation may not be realized as quickly as you’d like, or not at all, leaving you feeling disappointed and/or frustrated. And often when it is achieved, it is short-lived, and then you’ll find yourself looking for the next thing to bring happiness.

Suggestion: Celebrate and create joy in your life today, regardless of where you’re at toward what you would like to have, be, or achieve. Not only will fostering that joy make you feel happier, but that happier feeling and the energy that comes with it will very likely contribute to achieving your goal quicker and with more ease.

9. Lie – Happiness is a choice.

Happiness can begin with a choice, but that’s only the beginning. You’re not alone if this quote makes you feel inadequate, like a failure, or that something is wrong with you. If happiness were merely a choice, wouldn’t everyone be happy? It’s not your fault if you’re “choosing” happiness, and you’re just not feelin’ it.

That’s because about 48% of the factors that create happiness are completely out of your control. (Arthur Brooks, Harvard). That’s right. Almost half is not your choice. It’s your genetics.

Our genetic makeup is something we have no control over, yet is has a large influence on how “easy” it is for you to be happy. It is so much more than a choice.

Another factor related to happiness is positive life events. Some of these we have control over, and some we do not. These are also shown to be fleeting. This kind of happiness is attached to the event, and as wonderful as it feels, it does not last. That leaves about 12% of what you choose to do to foster happiness.

Suggestion: Stop telling yourself that it’s just a choice. Acknowledge that you may have a genetic predisposition toward depression or anxiety that may make it particularly challenging. Acknowledge that it’s going to take daily practice. Discover what works for you. You could even make a list of those things so that you know what works for you and do not have to spend time or energy thinking about what to do on your lowest days when you have little time or emotional energy. Make that 12% work for you! Maximize that 12%! Most daily practices that foster long-term happiness, including the ones in my book FEELING Good, feel good while you’re doing them. They cultivate joy. They work even on a crummy day. They help develop resilience so that when tough times happen, you’re able to recover, learn, and grow. They make you feel good in the moment, and they’re health promoting activities that foster long-term happiness.