High-Achieving Midlife Woman and Secretly Lonely…You’re Not Alone

You are not alone if you’re feeling like making friends in midlife is hard. I hear it all the time. I see anonymous posts on facebook from women craving connection. To make matters worse, they often feel like they’re the only ones feeling that way.

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If you’re feeling this way, I want to assure you that you are not alone.

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WHY IT’S HARD – Here are three reasons why it’s particularly hard for high-achieving midlife women to make new friends:

Time and energy are already stretched thin.
Between careers, family responsibilities, and other commitments, it can feel like there’s little bandwidth left for nurturing new relationships — even though the desire for connection is strong.

High standards and selectivity.
Successful women often know exactly what they value in friendships and are less willing to settle draining relationships. This makes finding truly aligned connections more challenging (but also more rewarding when it happens)! This is not to say that connecting with acquaintances and strangers doesn’t matter. It does! Remember – there’s no such thing as “small talk.” It’s “A.L.L. Talk.” For more about that, check out my YouTube “short” –

Fear of vulnerability and being “the beginner.”
High-achievers are used to feeling competent and confident in other areas of life. Starting new friendships — where you might feel awkward, uncertain, or exposed — can be deeply uncomfortable, leading many to avoid the risk altogether.

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YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Address these three areas to cultivate midlife friendships

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Mindset Shifts

Many women in midlife hold beliefs that simply aren’t true, yet interfere with reaching out.

“It’s too late to make good friends.” NOT TRUE! You can make good friends any day. It’s never too late. You have many, many years of enjoying satisfying friendships ahead of you.

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“Everyone has their friends already.” NOT TRUE!

First of all, a recent study found that women in midlife are reporting more loneliness than any other age group. Friendships change. Circumstances change. People move away. Women are feeling lonely and are craving meaningful relationships.

Second, friendships are not a pie! There’s not a finite number of friends that anyone can have.

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Address Your Feelings

Pay attention to how you are feeling when you enter new social situations. Is your energy low? If it is, it is worth your time to raise your energy an emotions. Some ways to do that include:

1) Gratitude. When you think about what you’re grateful for, you immediately raise your energy.

2) Engage in an activity you enjoy. Joy raises your energy.

3) Positive affirmations. “I have a lot to add to a friendship.” “I am a good friend.”

4) Visualization. Before an encounter, visualize how you would like it to go. Visualize how you want o feel. Imagine your desired outcome.

5) Set your intention. Before a social situation, set your intention for what you want to have happen. For example, if you are going to a gathering where you don’t know anyone, you could set your intention that you would like to leave with one person you can contact in the future.

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In making new friends, it is also important to address past hurts. These emotional wounds can creep up where they don’t belong. If you have past hurts that interfere with your ability to get close to others, you may benefit from addressing this on your own or with a therapist.

Your Behavior

If you want to meet new people, it will be important that you move out of your comfort zone.

1) Join a group. Put yourself out there! This can be less intimidating if you join a group with a mutual interest. For example, check out the activities at your local library, the “Events” tab in Facebook groups, and/or MeetUp.com

2) Start a group! What interests you?

3) Accept invitations! Even if you’re an introvert and would prefer to stay home! Give yourself that little nudge to say “YES!”

4) Get in touch with old acquaintances. Think about people from your past who you would like to get to know better. Maybe there’s someone you really connected with, but due to life circumstances, you didn’t have the opportunity to get to know each other. It’s not too late!

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Lastly, I’d like to share a study with you. While this was with college students, the idea is transferable to people of all ages!

This study noted that people tend to underestimate how friendly and kind other people are. At Stanford University, students in some dorms saw posters that informed them that the research demonstrated that people are friendlier and kinder than students think they are. The posters also encouraged students to take risks and get to know other students. Other dorms did not have the posters.

Six months later, the students who saw the posters in their dorms reported having more friends!

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Let’s translate this to midlife!

You don’t have to put up posters in your home! Just remember the data!

Just like other people, you likely underestimating how kind and friendly people are. Remind yourself that people are kinder than you think!

Also, remind yourself that people are reporting high rates of loneliness and are craving connection.

Lastly, give yourself a little nudge to put yourself out there. Take that risk. Invite someone to coffee or an activity.

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In Gratitude,

Dr. Peggy

P.S. – For free support in midlife, join the FREE Midlife Awakening Sisterhood Facebook group​

P.P.S. – Check out my new program! Midlife Awakening Sisterhood: Mindset and Mental Wellness Program Building Connection, Joy, and Purpose